Halftime

The mid-point of a game. A break in the action, so to speak.

This has been a game of successes in often trying situations and establishes a new starting point for a young person’s future; and it is for keeps.

Thursday, December 18th… A quick breakfast then get into our “Sunday best.” Slavik will be picking us up around 10:00 for our 10:30 hearing(s). It just stopped raining, so no worries there (no umbrella – another one of those “things we have learned”). It’s off to the races again. It still blows the mind how a city of around 2 million people can successfully fit four lanes of traffic on to a three lane road and NOT cause accidents. That would NEVER happen in the States.

Alyona is waiting for us outside the courthouse. In through the front door and the metal detector. It beeps. Alyona says something to the guards and they don’t move or say any more. She appears to be pretty well trusted in the courthouse.

More stairs… Just what bad knees really need!

We go down a narrow hallway with several doors on each side. Small benches line one side of the hallway and the hallway is busy, busy, busy. Alyona gives us about a 2 minute briefing on what will be happening in the courtroom, a couple of canned answers regarding religion and protocol of our rights (Do you understand? “Yes” Any objections? “No”) then the ever helpful advise: “Don’t be nervous.”

The courtroom appears to be fairly small, maybe 15’ x 20’, but all the furniture and 12 people makes it feel just a bit tighter.

The judge is speaking rather quickly and is not stopping to allow Alyona to keep up, but she is getting the meat of the readings to us. He thumbs through the application paperwork, and I hear “Dobra, dobra” (good, good) several times. Everything appears to be in order, or at least I hope it is. We are asked why we are petitioning the court. We ask the court to allow us to adopt Vera Dengub. The Judge asks few more questions about ourselves, and why we wish to adopt; we are keeping our answers short and to the point. The prosecutor has a couple questions for us regarding Vera’s education and where she will be going to school and what would her future hold for college, etc. She appears to be satisfied with our answers. Round 1 is complete. Everyone out of the room.

Five minutes later, Round 2 begins. The same rights are read to us again. More question and answers regarding why we wish to adopt a child of an advanced age. We explain that we have older children and she is a perfect fit with our family. More questions about our income, her education, if we would be surprised of her health condition (we understand her to be in good health), religion and what she has expressed for a future (she would like to work with children as a teacher or daycare provider). No questions, but agreement that the adoption “is in the best interest of the child” statements from the prosecutor, the administration and the trade school. Round 2 ends. Everyone out.

Another five minutes. Everyone back in… The judge begins by reading the rights and processes of the court again. We all understand and do not object. He continues to speak rather quickly through his ruling. I recall previous adoptive families mention a statement “and no one else wants them”… This seems a bit harsh, but then it is a harsh lifestyle and environment where they live.

Our translation was “…no one has come forward to answer for this child”. Much more subdued and a bit more accurate.

Well, here we are…

He continues to read the ruling of the court

“…it is in the best interest of this child to approve the application…”

Our Christmas Miracle!

In 10 days, the decree will be issued and she will officially be our daughter in Ukraine. Only then, can we continue the process to get her visa to enter the U.S. Unfortunately, we run into the holiday season in both Ukraine and the U.S. and there will not be much anyone can do until probably mid January.

This is our halftime... We are faced with the dilemma of sitting idle for nearly a month, or returning to home to tend to our daughter and our respective jobs until the government agencies re-open for business... The painful decision is to return home. We had a long discussion with Vera and she understands the need for us to return home. We love her, do not want to leave her behind, and we will be back for her.

What to do with Vera? Vera had a couple things to do on Thursday evening and went to visit with her sister Lena. Friday, Vera came to spend the night with us, and we had some things to say to her that required the help of Michelle. We continued our long talk with her, explaining that she is now a part of our family and she can come to us for anything. We also told her not to forget those she leaves behind, and we will not let that happen. Michelle has also let Vera know that she is available to provide some guidance while we are gone. We also have Skype to stay in contact with her while we return to the States for a little while.

This holiday season has richly blessed us with a new daughter and new friends in the Swinneys and Nasekos. We also felt it best to celebrate with Vera, Michelle, and our new friends, so we headed over to Pechescago (Martha and Sheila said it sounds like “Precious Cargo). Good food, good people, and good conversation always make for a good evening.

Just smile and wave, boys, smile and wave…

We have had many frustrations over the past three weeks as we rather impatiently wait to receive our court date. The first document (administration’s rubber stamp) was really not needed, and the original of Vera’s letter was delivered to the SDA on the 16th (the fax on the 15th wasn’t adequate). So we continue on as court will happen on the 18th.

Our (my) patience has worn thin on a few occasions. Mari has been my sanity through this whole process, and for the past 23 years, she has been my sanity in many other insane times.

I think often of the penguins from the movie “Madagascar”… “Just smile and wave!” That simple phrase puts a lot of things into perspective. If you’re in a situation you can’t do much about, “just smile and wave!” It doesn’t do much good, but it makes one feel just a little bit better about a not so good situation. You have the ability to take things in stride and press on (laugh, if necessary) until you CAN make adjustments.

The 17th, we were on pins and needles all day long waiting for a word… any word about whether or not we would have court. There was so much we didn’t know, especially since the rules tend to keep getting changed in the process. Early afternoon, we decided to ping Alyona to see if she had heard anything… The SDA had not responded, and usually processes application requests at noon, and again at 6 pm… Okay, we’ve waited this long, what’s a few more hours?

What to do in the meantime? Well, faith in the belief that we would have court told us we should take Vera shopping for black shoes and some slacks or a skirt (no skirt, though she looked very nice in the one she tried on). Off we go to Athena (Afina) mall… A phone call and 30 minutes later we have a translator (Lena) and an entourage (Olya and another friend, Anna). Shopping for the slacks went fairly quick. They're a bit long, but Mari can measure and hem them up in no time. Shoe shopping, however was a different story… Things are just a bit pricey in the mall. Olya and Anna disappear to find a shop that may be close by.

So while we wait, it’s down to the food court for pizza. Lena orders, then, says “What do you want?” “Pepperoni is fine”… okay… So we now have two large pizzas coming for four people. I weigh more than Lena & Vera combined, and the thought crosses my mind—Are we going to eat all of this? Not to worry… A Phone call with news of a nearby shoe store (near the mashukas) and 10 minutes later, two more people (again I outweigh both of them combined) arrive and our problem is solved.

As we eat, the long awaited phone call comes in… The SDA has approved the application, it will be on the overnight train to Odessa and we will have court on Thursday!!!

With the good news in hand, we continue to eat… What happens next, you just had to be there… We get down to the last three or four slices of pizza; the six of us had our fill, but we don’t want it to go to waste. I choke down another slice, then Lena grabs the last slice of pepperoni, slaps it upside down on the last slice of ham/cheese/red pepper, picks up the pizza “sandwich” and puts it up to Vera’s mouth… Vera, being somewhat resourceful, takes a bite, puts it to Lena’s mouth; she takes a bite, then repeating the process with Anna & Olya, going around at least twice to get as much of the pizza eaten as possible.

Off to the shoe store… Four girls in a shoe store… Enough said.

Just smile and wave, boys, smile and wave... and don't forget your wallet.

Praying for a Christmas Miracle…

Just when you think everything is going your way, someone, or something always manages to throw a wrench in the works. Murphy (Murphy's law) just happens to rear his ugly head at some of the most inopportune times and we seem to have this omni-present black cat crossing our path on an almost daily basis. It's just another one of those little tests of faith.

Our paperwork was sent in to SDA last Wednesday, December 10th, and we have a tentative court date for December 18th. From here we would be running in to the holidays and nothing else would get done until after the 12th of January.

This is okay… Even with having court on the 18th, we could return to the states and to our jobs for about 2 or 3 weeks and save some of our vacation time until the Ukraine government and the Embassy open back up and we can return to Ukraine to finish the adoption.

Vera has spent Sunday night with us again, but this time she brings a translator along (her sister Lena). That’s cheating!!! Monday she went to the administration building to write and sign her statement that she wants to be adopted. Then off to school…

I had some rather lengthy discussions with Alyona, Dima, and an e-mail to Oleg to see if there is anything that can be done, since the SDA continues to change the rules and not let anyone know until after-the-fact. (A New Level of Frustration)

The director of the Administration had a lengthy conversation with the SDA and an agreement was made that the “rubber stamp” was not required by the administration (this time). The SDA is still, however, waiting for Vera’s statement. The fax sent by Alyona was not sufficient; they need an original signature. The letter went on the train Monday night and should be in the SDA on Tuesday.

The update from Alyona tells us that with the original signed letter from Vera, we should have a resolution this week and we could still possibly have court on Thursday. I chuckled and said “So there’s still hope for a Christmas miracle for us.” After a brief pause, she laughs and tells me that it’s good I can still laugh about this… Laughter is just one way we deal with stress…

So, yes, our Christmas miracle is that the SDA can apply just a LITTLE common sense to their process and think about the children just a little bit MORE. Also, that all of us adopting who are here now, and those yet to come, can get just a little better case handling to expedite the process.

The complexity of the English Language…

Saturday night, Mari and I were having a conversation with Jay & Martha Swinney and Matthew and Sheila Nasekos.

The conversation revolved around the complexity of the English language and how we are collectively trying to communicate with our Ukrainian children. The children’s grasp of the language is adequate. However there are so many little things that provide so much confusion that we periodically get the proverbial “deer in the headlights” look from them (‘I don’t understand’).

Take for example: “Today”, “Tuesday”, “two days” and “tomorrow”. The sounds are so much alike and the children’s comprehension of our language is still in work; it’s easy to get them confused because of the “to” sound at the beginning of the word. They don’t hear much after the first syllable…

How about: ‘Two’ (the number), ‘to’ (directional ‘point A to point B), and ‘too’ (also). Enough said…

We are also having issues with: “By” (beside), “buy” (to purchase) and “bye” (good-bye, I’m leaving, see you later). We wish to buy something, but Vera is thinking “bye-bye” so we have to tell her we are going shopping (THAT she understands)…

The beat goes on… The language barrier works both ways… One thing I have learned is that portions of the Cyrillic (Russian/Ukrainian) alphabet is derived from the Greek alphabet. Letters/symbols that we are unaccustomed to have a place here; the symbols resembling letters of the English alphabet do not always sound like what we are used to. While I may have some of the letters figured out, I still don’t have a clue on all of the sounds.

The letter ‘C’ in the English alphabet has either a hard (‘K’) or a soft (‘S’) sound… Here it is always the soft sound. What appears to be the English letter ‘P’ actually comes from the Greek letter ‘Rho’ and makes what we know as the “R” sound... These are the simple ones I have figured out… Their “P” sound/symbol is derived from the Greek letter “Pi”, and what we know as “y” actually is the “oo” sound.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg... We have so much to learn, and so little time!

Back to McDonalds: Ice Cream (McFlurry) and some hot tea (I couldn’t remember the word)… The young lady behind the counter was doing her best to try to understand; all the while smiling in that “deer in the headlights / I don’t understand” kind of way… Pictures helped with the McFlurry, but, trying to convey “tea”, was a bit more challenging… I was thinking about the people who ordered tea before us, and was motioning to where a tray was sitting not 30 seconds earlier hoping she would get the picture. Then it dawned on me…

‘Kava’ (coffee), then ‘tea’… “Kava, nyet”…
“Ahhh… Kai (chai)”…
"Da, kai!"

We got hot tea.

As for the McFlurry? We settled for chocolate…

A New Level of Frustration

Saturday comes and goes with us doing what we have been doing for the past nearly three weeks… Waiting…

This week, we did get to make some new acquaintances in Jay & Martha Swinney from New Mexico and Matthew & Sheila Nasekos from Mississippi, in addition to the Pretres and the Pushes, who are also adopting from Ukraine. Welcome to our world. Knowing we are not alone makes this much more bearable.


Starting from the top left: Martha & Jay Swinney; Mari & Brad Wildeman; Sheila & Matthew Nesekos; Mark, Nancy & Alan Pretre

Here we are, waiting for our Thursday, December 18 court date (emphasize ‘Waiting’). We haven’t heard from Alyona in a couple of days, so, it’s time to ping her to see if we are still on track. Bad news… The SDAPRC in their finite wisdom and in their efforts to “look out for the best interest of the children” have once again changed the rules and are requiring more paperwork. As for the rules being changed in the middle of the game… Doesn’t one think it would benefit all involved parties to know what those rule changes are? Also, shouldn’t adequate guidance and necessary tools be provided to ensure smooth transition to the new rule set?

Per the new rule changes, the SDA requires the Administration in Odessa to notarize/stamp our application (not previously required and they don’t have a stamp to put on it) AND they want a statement from Vera stating she actually WANTS to be adopted (also not previously required). What does that mean to us?? It means that our court date could possibly be pushed back until mid-January (After the Orthodox Christmas holiday). If that happens, the adoption will probably not be completed until mid- February.

Oh! To be a consultant in Ukraine!!! Just think about how much the process could be streamlined.

We are also dealing with health issues for our daughter back home. We’re not exactly sure what’s going on yet. Mari’s parents are there to help out, so we have some peace of mind, but it’s not the same as being there and being directly involved with the process. Thursday evening I spent nearly 6 hours on the Skype phone (at 2 cents a minute – SPECIBA!!!) between our insurance company and three different medical facilities to get necessary referrals and appointments so she could have tests done on Friday. Keep Kelsey in your thoughts and prayers that it is not serious.

Please keep the Swinneys, Pretres, Nasekos, Pushes and us in your thoughts and prayers during this holiday season in Ukraine. Pray that at some point in time the SDAPRC will apply some common sense to the adoption process and actually look out for the children rather than their own interests.


"Charlie Brown" Christmas tree in Kompot restaurant

Skating

After our dinner with Vera and Olya on Sunday night, we walked to a nearby inflatable dome along side of the road which just so happens to be a skating rink…

We get inside and pay the admission. They give you this coded card, which is everything, from skate and locker rental to getting on and off the ice… Lose it, and you will be shelling out another 45 hryvnia to get a new one.

Mari would LOVE to skate with us, however, she is facing arthroscopic surgery when we get home and must be left watching from the sidelines. I have a great deal of empathy for her with my own bad knees, ankle, back, etc…

Advise from Mari? “Don’t do anything stupid!”

Too late.

Do I skate well? It’s been a long time, and the last ones I wore had wheels. My sense of adventure of course, sometimes gets the better of me. I’m also thinking that I had been downhill skiing on some of the finer bunny slopes of Minnesota and Mari, the kids and I have been rollerblading on Guam and cross country skiing on some of the flattest, moose-infested trails in Alaska, so I’m thinking the principle should apply and this can’t be all that difficult.

Let us start by saying that timing is everything… We get inside the rink and get our skates just in time for the ice to be cleared of wayward skaters and the Zamboni to come out and groom the ice. So while we wait for the ice to set, we put on our skates. Much can be said about the ankle support of hockey skates, however wearing bootie socks to go ice skating was mistake #1 (some chafing, but surprisingly, no blisters).

We get on the ice… white knuckle death grip on the boards along the edge until I find some semblance of balance, then it’s time to let go… Push & glide, push & glide; that’s all there is to it, right? After all, hockey players and figure skaters can do this and make it look so, so, easy… Mistake number 2 begins with the fact that I am 40-something, just a pound or two or 50 overweight and who’s athleticism has gone by the wayside oh, about 20 years ago.

The first lap away from the boards… Push and glide, then all of a sudden… Hands on my back and the sensation of being pushed… I can handle this… Don’t do anything to cost balance and fall. The next thought was “how long is this train going to get?” The push lasted just a lap or so, then it’s on to more conventional means. Vera, Olya & I manage to make several more laps around the ice as we watch others fall around us then pick themselves up, laughing the whole time. My ultimate goal is not to fall (and make a fool of myself). Perhaps this was mistake number 3… Not falling… Maybe the true goal here actually IS to fall and pick ourselves back up to continue on. This is where the fun REALLY is…

After my lack of conditioning and overuse of underused muscles kicked in, I resigned from the ice. Mari and I watch from the sidelines as Vera and Olya continue skating for just a while longer… Falling, picking themselves back up and laughing the whole time.

The Home Front

This morning over breakfast, Mari reminded me of something so important yet so simple that it completely slipped my mind… I have yet to mention our own kids on this blog site and how important they are in this process. I have been presented with a big serving of humble pie with a heaping side dish of reality.


Andy & Kelsey are 20 and 18, respectively. They are high school graduates and currently the keepers of (several of) our affairs back in Nebraska. This is a big step for all four of us as Mari and I have entrusted them with a great deal of responsibility. Are they ready for it or not? Looks like they don't have much choice. It seems so unfair to thrust so much on them, but as we look around here, it really isn’t (unfair). There are children, yes, children in the States, here in Ukraine and in several other areas who either take on responsibility or have it thrust upon them to make lives and fend for themselves at age 16, sometimes younger.

Back at the home front, Andy & Kelsey are working their jobs and Kelsey is taking classes at Metro Community College in Elkhorn, NE. In addition, they are managing our accounts to pay the bills we can’t pay online, buying groceries, fixing their own meals, taking care of the animals and keeping up with our typical household chores; much like when we were home without the added luxury of having Mom & Dad around to provide guidance and support and do the things they normally don’t do.

We do have access to internet and e-mail, as well as Skype ® to communicate with them on an almost daily basis either via chat room or an actual face-to-face video. It does not take a whole lot of time to set up or get connected; it’s just ensuring we can find that window of opportunity to compensate for the 8 hour time difference between here & there. The only other curse is the intermittent internet connection.

This past weekend we were able to “Skype” with the kids while Vera was here. Okay, so the language barrier kicks in again and we’re limited to “How are you?” “I am fine.” “What did you do today?” “Nothing.” And other simple question/answer sessions. There is a sense of reality that we are getting close to completing the adoption, just how close is yet to be determined.

We have also hooked Mari’s mom up with Skype and have been able to fill her in on our current status and tell her what we’ve been doing (other than sitting around in our small apartment) and to key her in on the kids.

The Skype phone was another great addition to the plan. For a (phe)nominal fee, we got a U.S. based phone number and have been able to strategically place phone calls to people we wanted or needed to talk to back home… Like the unexpected birthday calls to Mari’s mom and my aunt or a call to my dad to let him know we are okay (it got cut off… Speciba, Ukrainian internet).

It makes our day complete to know that one of them is on the other end and we can share some of the things we have done. Play 20 questions about what needs to be done around the house and/or what has been accomplished in their day.

How was work?
How was class?
Has anyone called to check up on you? Who?
Did the bills get paid and what’s coming due?

Finally, we tell them we can’t wait to get back home, we love them, we miss them more than one can imagine and we are so proud of them for shouldering our normal burdens.