We really are trying to bring closure to our blog page, but we just never seem to have enough time... Here it is, April 13th.. Tax day is two days away & we're not ready for it and we just had a conversation with Vera that ripped our hearts out...
The abridged version is that she is unhappy here and wants to return to Ukraine when she turns 18. A lot of it we can attribute to homesickness. Some of it we can attribute to anger about being told she could not attend the prom of "not her school".
She wants a family, but no rules, and believes that people with a lot of money are bad people...
She thinks Mari & I do not love each other (we're more like brother & sister than a married couple to her), partially because I don't bring her flowers or gifts... I tried to explain to her that the greatest gift anyone can give is their time.
She feels that since she was no longer going to the internot, all she really has to do while she is in the States is learn English, then not go to school anymore.
But she flat out told us that she could not allow herself to love us because she wants to leave. She does not really think of us as her family, though she calls us "Mom & Pop"...
We try to explain to her that several people spent a lot of time working to make this happen, but she does not see that...
Mari and I are at wits end... There's a lot more to this conversation, but these are the high points. We don't want to give up, but know that no matter what we do, she will be gone... Sooner rather than later...
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Hmmm... I'm guessing the pull of her sisters is a strong one. The only thing I can think of right now is bonding takes time, as does love. It is still a long time to her 18th birthday, and alot can happen between now and then. Don't give up on her yet! I'll let Nancy know what's going on and we'll pray for you. I'm sure many others will too. Thanks for letting us know.
I am so glad you updated us so we can know how to pray for you. There are so many ups and downs in this whole process. Even the little ones have their depressed moments especially when they have to follow the rules. Don't give up love requires hard rules and consequences. Be gentle with yourselves also. It takes time to learn how to love an older child that already has their own ideas of how things should be. You are not alone.
You are not only competing with sisters but the lifestyle of the teen at the internot. Very few rules and lots of freedom. It is early days yet...I know it may be really hard to see the good in her statement but it really does say something about her willingness to trust that she can be honest with you instead of hiding her feelings. You guys have only been home about ten weeks right? (I know while walking around on egg shells that ONLY can seem like forever!)
Are there any resources you can turn to where she can have conversations with other Russian/Ukrainian speakers that are in the US?
Think back to how your head was in such a whirlwind while in Ukraine...didn't know what everyone was saying...sometimes didn't even know what you were eating...just wanted to be home. For Vera, that is her reality. You as her parents went to Ukraine with a mission and an understanding of what it would be like once you adopted. She's basically a tall child and it's hard to immerse yourself in a new culture. Ofcourse she wants to go back to Ukraine even if the reality just tanks...it is familiar. Give it time and in the meantime, take care of each other...find time to be alone so you can relax (okay, as relaxed as you can be while out and about with a teenaged daughter at home). If you just need to vent...jerigrothues@yahoo.com
Hang in there! Don't give up!!
I came across your blog and wanted to take a minute to encourage you not to give up on your daughter. We adopted a 16 year old last year. It is challenging but if you will persevere in love the rewards are great. Our son still says "send me back to Ukraine" when things ar not going his way. But the fact of the matter is that he lives in fear that we WILL send him back to Ukraine. You cannot always trust that what they way is really what they feel. My son may go back in two years as may your daughter; but in the meantime, I will love him and assure him over and over again that we are his family and we will never abandon him or send him away. I always think of the Israelites; how it is described of them in Exodus that they begged to go back to Egypt into slavery. As a redeemed child of God, I, too, have often gone back into the slavery of sin from which I was rescued. So I relate to my child's fear, to his discomfort, to his insecurity. He is not used to the good life and prefers his old ways. In the beginning I cried many tears over what I perceived as his ingratitude, his resentment, etc. But then God opened my eyes to his wounded heart and his true incapacity to understand what gift he had been given. After nine months, I can truly say that God is revealing himself to my son. That he is understanding love. That he is feeling more and more secure that we will never abandon him. And the "send me back to Ukraine" is now most often said with a sheepish grin that says "I feel like I should be saying this but we all know it is not true." It is very helpful to get ahold of some good books on adoption to help you understand your daughter. My prayers are with you. Keep pressing on.
Our prayers are with you! We heard a lot of send me back to Ukraine for the first 5 months-not so much now. It takes a long time to build the bonds, I read somewhere that an adopted child needs as much as 13 hugs a day. Hang in there it will get better. Cara
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